The astrology of football

Can astrology help predict England’s success in this year’s World Cup?

Housed in a grand and elegant room at the Theosophical Society premises near Baker Street, the Astrological Lodge of Great Britain hosts talks on Monday nights, the most recent being on the the astrology of football. It specifically looked into what our chances will be for the World Cup 2010, held in South Africa this summer.

While the idea of using astrology might seem ridiculous, footballers themselves are actually remarkably superstitious. Top clubs have had feng shui (the astrology of space) performed on their stadiums and pitches. At the famous Maracana stadium in Rio de Janeiro, witch doctors do hypnotic drumming rituals at the pitch before every game. Brazil has won the World Cup more times than any other nation; so could voodoo be the key to their success?

Despite football’s tendency towards more alternative ways to improve performance, attendance at the talk was rather low. Most astrologers tend to be women of a certain age wearing purple, not known for their enthusiasm about football.

So, how do you do an astrology chart for football?

First off – as astrologer Bethea Jenner demonstrated – you set the time for the inaugural meeting of the Football Association (26/10/1863, 19.00hrs, London). Football is therefore a Scorpio.

Bethea then put up the England chart (yes countries have charts, as do cities and businesses), the 1966 winning chart and the chart of the FA for comparison. England itself is Aries and the England team always play better in red, the Arian colour.

We then looked at the chart of England manager, and Gemini, Fabio Capello. Bethea was optimistic. Compared to Sven’s chart – where his Neptunian philandering (secrecy, fantasy) coincided with the relaxation on wives’ and girlfriends’ attendance and the whole WAG phenomenon – Fabio will get us a long way. ‘He’s tactical,’ says Bethea.

She thought Beckham should play. As a Taurus he’s not a speedy player, but typical for his sign, has longevity. ‘He won’t last 90 minutes but he’s important symbolically,’ she says. Sadly she was more right than she realised, and it looks set that he won’t be playing any minutes at all.

Looking at Wayne Rooney’s tense chart, Bethea and fellow astrologer Neil Spencer clash. Bethea thinks Rooney will do ’something awesome’ whereas Neil believes he will injure himself.

The chart for the first England match in South Africa is spectacularly good. We may not win the entire competition but we will go far. In the past, Germany, with its Neptune on the FA’s ascendant at 24 degrees of Gemini, has ’shattered all our dreams’. But this year, Bethea doesn’t believe that Germany or England nemesis Argentina will win.

Astrological Lodge of London
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The fastest astrologer in the West

When my daughter was small, I looked for part-time work from home. I did loads of jobs, anything really, but the one that lasted the longest was doing astrological charts over the phone. I was taught astrology by my mother.

I did charts for Mystic Meg, Shelley Von Strunckel, Jonathan Cainer and others. You know those numbers at the bottom of their pages in the newspaper that you ring to get a personal reading? It's people like me that do the readings.

First of all it was hard. People had terrible problems. They don't ask for readings when things are going well. The work was exhausting, mentally, for you have to keep them talking while you do the calculations (can't have dead space on the phone, they'll hang up) plus analyse their birth chart in a few seconds. It was also emotionally draining. I sought advice from the other astrologers who advised me to 'smudge' the area I was working from, to light candles and incense.

It was a very pressurised job. Like selling psychic double glazing.

After a while I managed to erect a mental protective barrier. There came a point when, while I was compassionate towards their problems, it didn't get to me anymore, I didn't take their problems home with me. I no longer lay awake at night, wondering if I had given good advice, what was happening to them, whether their boyfriend was beating them up, whether a mother's son would get out of prison, whether this 50 year old man would ever get a job again. You can't take it on.

I got really fast at doing charts, just like the title of this piece. I could look at the circle, the wheel, and sum it up in a few sentences. I'm not a technical astrologer. I see the map in it's entirety, and it speaks to me. It's a visual thing, I don't know how to explain it. I'm what my mum would call a 'pub astrologer'. I don't like to get into long discussions about the science of it. I don't want to spend energy justifying it to sceptics. But it's a system that works. That is my experience: astrology, miraculously, just seems to work.

Generally people come to astrologers when they are experiencing Saturn transits. Saturn stays in a sign for about two and a half years. The effects are concrete, depressing, restrictive, limiting. I love Saturn transits. You always learn something from them. You always come out, having achieved something. The only thing to do during a Saturn transit is get your head down and work. Even if the 'limitation' is not working, being unemployed (very Saturnian), you will work on yourself, dig deep, stay still and learn your lesson.

Saturn transits have physical effects: your back hurts, your bones ache, you may need dental work, you age, you feel tired, you feel cold.

It's easy to help people with Saturn transits. Mostly it's a question of time. 'In two and a half years time, or less, this bad patch will be over' you can say.

The other reason people call up are Uranus or Pluto transits. Uranus is the divorce transit. When it hits your sun, moon or 7th house cusp, you can be fairly certain that you will be having problems with your partner. We all have something called a Uranus opposition when we are around 40. That's often when people get divorced or quit their job.

This time the physical effect is exhilarating, speedy, a rush, like you just got electrocuted. You can't sleep (whereas with Saturn all you want to do is sleep), you are wired. Uranus lasts a shorter time, but it's effects are far more destructive. If you have been resisting change or staying in denial about a crap relationship, Uranus is your wake up call. There's not much you can do. You just have to roll with it. Sometimes it'll be your partner that has the life changing event; maybe he/she is having an affair/admitting they are gay/having an accident/throwing in the towel and saying I can't stick the same old routine anymore. They may be happy with that. But your life is turned upside down. In this case you have to take your courage with both hands and see this as a refreshing breath of air and change yourself too. But it's hard.

Pluto transits are slower, all pervading, transformational, psychological. It reveals death, power and sex issues. There's nothing you can do about Pluto transits other than accept what is happening. It's a good time to get therapy.

Mostly people ring up because of this stuff. You hone in on the issue, try to energize them with a few sentences. The fundamental service you perform as an astrologer for your client is to say 'yes this IS happening. You are not crazy. Yes it is awful. But this too shall pass'.

That's why I like astrology rather than any other 'occult' practice. It's all in the timing. You can predict when it will start and when it will finish. I like that.

Many of the people that call don't even know what astrology is: sometimes they say can you read my palm? Er, no not over the telephone (and I'm not a palmist). Or they ask if you can talk to their dear departed dad. No I'm not a medium either.

Being a single mum, I mostly did the phones the hours of 9 till 11pm; when my daughter had gone to bed. And of course, the callers were single mums too. The worst time for single parents is that dead zone, when the kids are asleep. It's at that hushed time you become fully aware of being alone, the only adult in the house, the clock ticking and your umpteenth night in a row, home by yourself, just you and the fridge. Sometimes the loneliness is so frustrating and I'm not really talking sexually. You chomp at the bit when you hear people coming out of the pub or club, carousers in the street, having a good time in company. Times like this, motherhood feels like jail.

Many of my callers could not afford to call. When I was working it was £1.50p a minute and it would take at least 5 minutes to get the chart up on your computer. As the astrologer you only got 40p of this money but sometimes the customers would get angry with you. You'd take the flack for their anxiety about the cost, and their unhappiness and desperation about the situation that they were in.

When I knew it was a single mum calling from a council estate, I'd do my best to do the chart as quickly as possible. Sometimes I'd say

'you can't afford this. In fact I predict that if you continue to call me or others like me, you will end up broke'.

We weren't allowed to do charts of people under 18. The funniest call was from a woman who gave me the birth data of an 8 year old.

'I'm sorry but under the rules I cannot do this chart' I said.

There was a small silence.

'Actually it's my dog.' Then, pleading, 'please do his chart, I really want to know his future'

I figured the rules didn't apply to canines but I'd never done an animals chart before. Tentatively I started to read the chart, just as if he were human.

'Strong Jupiter: very optimistic cheerful nature' I said.

'YESS!' said his owner 'always wagging his tail'

I managed to keep a straight face as I read the rest of the chart. The owner was very happy and said that I was "spot on" about everything.

At times you'd get the smart arses: you'd ask:

'Date, time and place of birth?'

'Don't you know?' sneered the voice 'call yourself a psychic?'

'No I don't actually, I'm an astrologer. If you don't give me this information then we might as well terminate this call' I'd snap back.

In the end I did this job for about 18 months. I must have done thousands of charts.

Before computers, an astrologer would take say a week to do a chart, just the calculations. This meant they'd do a few hundred charts over a lifetime. Now I could see a person's birth wheel in seconds.

I got burnt out. I gave up and never did astrology for money again. It felt wrong for me. I don't criticize other astrologers who need and deserve to earn a living for a subject for which they have spent thousands of pounds (books, software, courses) to become adept. But it felt wrong for me.

2009 The Aquarian year

This year Jupiter, which traverses a sign each year, will transit Aquarius. Neptune is already in Aquarius and has been for a few years and Chiron is there too. You could argue that the Age of Aquarius starts this year, or at least you get a bit of a taster.

What is happening this year? Social networking sites are exploding. Facebook are having problems with their terms and conditions, they tried to change them giving them rights in perpetuity over any material (text, messages, notes, photos, videos) you may have posted up. Twitter is all over the press...a global text conversation. 

Social networking via the Internet, communication without intimacy, without commitment, is about as Aquarian as it gets. "I love you all just don't get too close!" 

Dating via the Internet is no longer a source of shame and embarrassment. I've done it loads this year. It doesn't seem to work. I have the ability to fall in love with a pixel, but the reality is crushing. My experiences with internet dating are worthy of a whole blog in itself.

Neil Spencer, the Observer astrologer, who is helping me develop an astro-menu for the 28th of March, gave a talk at the Company of Astrologers last week. 

Most astrological gatherings do tend to be populated by "women of a certain age, wearing purple". Neil is a rare breed, a male astrologer. (Of course, like chefs, they tend to be more visible professionally but the vast majority of astrologers are women, just like most cooking is done by women). 

The Company of Astrologers is no different; row upon row of hawk-eyed witches stroking their hairy moles whilst peering into the future. Forget girl power. Hag power!

Neil is a stand-up comic of astrology...he does accents, jokes and impersonations in his talks. Here are my notes on his talk:

In the Age of Aquarius, everything will be great, we will all be hippies, it will be a new age of enlightenment. Well it won't be. It will have it's murky side too. 

• Nazi Germany is Aquarian, the chart of the third reich is 30/1/33 at 11.15 am. The shadow side of Neptune conjunct Jupiter is catastrophe and death. Saturn in the 10th of this chart...meaningless orders...from Adolf Hitler.
  
• The French Revolution 10/8/1792 Pluto in Aquarius at 22 degrees in the 7th house. The dark side of equality. 
  

The world wide web has an affinity with Aquarius. Every corporation in the world is saying 'how did we not spot this coming and control it all?'.

The world wide web has revolutionised our world. (Look how many billions were lost last week when googlemail went down. We are totally dependant.)

Neil presented a list of famous Aquarians...lots of scientists (Galileo, Copernicus), politicians, writers (Lewis Carroll, Dickens, Joyce, Miler, Greer, Woolf, Chekhov, Verne) playwrights,  but few popstars(and of course the genre is punk... John Lydon/Rotten and Malcolm Maclaren ) or poets (Byron).

 Aquarius is also the sign of psychology...dispassionate analysis, voyeurism. 

This is Darwin's year, another Aquarian. But Darwinism is a tremendously cynical doctrine which has led, arguably, to eugenics.

The United States has an Aquarian moon. More of it's presidents are Aquarian than any other sign...Reagan, Lincoln, Roosevelt. Nixon and JFK had Aquarian moons. 

Oprah Winfrey is an über Aquarian as is Sarah Palin. 

In fact the U.S. constitution is Aquarian in itself...the whole idea of human rights had never before existed prior to the discovery of Uranus, the ruler of Aquarius in 1781, the same year as the final American victory over Britain.

Neil goes into an aside about the links between Sagittarius, Science Fiction and space travel.

Mars is also transiting Aquarius. 19.32 Aquarius is the degree of Flight. Has anybody noticed how many plane and helicopter crashes there are at the moment?

The Conservatives have their Jupiter return this year (perhaps why they are feeling so expansive and community minded? see post below)

The discovery of Neptune heralded the arrival of photography, the telephone, the phonograph, the age of sewers. 

Interesting note: the moon was in Scorpio at the discovery of all three outer planets.

This year will be about Obama, public service and corporate criminals. 

The 'Madoff' scandal is very Pluto in Capricorn and he will not be the last to be exposed.

Questions:

Is Obama a tyrant? 

Neil: No I dont think so. I think he is actually that rare thing 'a good man'. An extraordinary politician. 

Neil continues: There are only six signs. The first six. The rest are versions of the first six. For instance a Libran is just an Arian with better manners.

While Leo are me, me, me....Aquarius is us, us, us. But within every Aquarian there is a Leo trying to get out. Neil also remarked that Aquarians often have big wavy hair. 

The Pluto/Neptune conjunction in the 1890s through to World War I. produced artists such as T.S.Eliot, Tolkein, Nash and Spencer, who were all in the trenches. The Germans on the other side, took that same experience and made a hell of it.

Another thing to watch out for this year is inflation with the Jupiter/Neptune conjunction.

Atheist buses...very Aquarian. Obama is a believer. You cannot have an American president that doesn't believe in God.

I remark that Obama included non-believers in his inauguration address. Somebody else in the audience remarked that in contrast Blair had to hide his faith from the British public. 

"It's not the done thing to believe in anything here" she said.

The astrologer Adam Smith notes that "Lincoln and Darwin were born on the same day of the same year. Both have Saturn conjunct Neptune in Sagittarius. Time twins."

Neil: There is also Chiron in Aquarius this year. There is always pain with Chiron.

My advice to Aquarians is that ethics count this year. Behave and you will prosper. Put your ideals on your sleeve.

I can't remember how it happened but somebody noticed that I was sending messages on my iPhone.

"Yes I am twittering this talk." I admit.

Crone heads swivel towards me looking inquisitive and curious. I explain what I'm doing.

 "You are pirating my talk" Neil says with an amused glint in his eye, for he used to be the editor of the New Musical Express.

"No I'm publicising your talk. Sharing it, globally".

This roomful, constellation of astrologers looks pleased. Despite their age, they are intensely interested in the future. 

"I'm so glad you brought Aquarius into the room" remarks one older lady to this particular Aquarian "very appropriate".

7 year itch

As a statement was put out that Madonna and Guy Ritchie are divorcing, after 7 1/2 years of marriage, my thoughts turned to a talk on relationship astrology at the Lodge last Monday night. The speaker said that most relationships last 7 years, a quarter of a Saturn cycle.

One of Guy Ritchie's reasons for divorcing Madonna is her obsession with the Kaballah and, as a confirmed atheist, I sympathize. However recently someone dumped me apparently because of my interest in astrology which he said was "as bad as being religious"... that really hurt because I thought of him a friend too. (Although it may have had more to do with the fact that I'm not 25, a size 8, and with a brain the size of a pea. In the immortal words of Sharon Stone..."If you have a vagina and an attitude in this town, then that's a lethal combination. ")

Men don't like you to get upset or emotional. If you do then you are 'mental'. Right. Being fucked, if I may speak so boldly, means having somebody inside your bodily cavities!!!! Literally inside you. Women are supposed to take this lightly? Excuse me if I don't get over it in ten seconds.

I don't believe in astrology, I'm interested in it, simply because it seems to work. I don't know why, it just does. I view it's unerring accuracy with fascination. There are times when I am more interested... Recently, with the credit crunch, which has been predicted by astrologers for decades, astrology has proved itself worth a closer look don't you think?