The astrology of football

Can astrology help predict England’s success in this year’s World Cup?

Housed in a grand and elegant room at the Theosophical Society premises near Baker Street, the Astrological Lodge of Great Britain hosts talks on Monday nights, the most recent being on the the astrology of football. It specifically looked into what our chances will be for the World Cup 2010, held in South Africa this summer.

While the idea of using astrology might seem ridiculous, footballers themselves are actually remarkably superstitious. Top clubs have had feng shui (the astrology of space) performed on their stadiums and pitches. At the famous Maracana stadium in Rio de Janeiro, witch doctors do hypnotic drumming rituals at the pitch before every game. Brazil has won the World Cup more times than any other nation; so could voodoo be the key to their success?

Despite football’s tendency towards more alternative ways to improve performance, attendance at the talk was rather low. Most astrologers tend to be women of a certain age wearing purple, not known for their enthusiasm about football.

So, how do you do an astrology chart for football?

First off – as astrologer Bethea Jenner demonstrated – you set the time for the inaugural meeting of the Football Association (26/10/1863, 19.00hrs, London). Football is therefore a Scorpio.

Bethea then put up the England chart (yes countries have charts, as do cities and businesses), the 1966 winning chart and the chart of the FA for comparison. England itself is Aries and the England team always play better in red, the Arian colour.

We then looked at the chart of England manager, and Gemini, Fabio Capello. Bethea was optimistic. Compared to Sven’s chart – where his Neptunian philandering (secrecy, fantasy) coincided with the relaxation on wives’ and girlfriends’ attendance and the whole WAG phenomenon – Fabio will get us a long way. ‘He’s tactical,’ says Bethea.

She thought Beckham should play. As a Taurus he’s not a speedy player, but typical for his sign, has longevity. ‘He won’t last 90 minutes but he’s important symbolically,’ she says. Sadly she was more right than she realised, and it looks set that he won’t be playing any minutes at all.

Looking at Wayne Rooney’s tense chart, Bethea and fellow astrologer Neil Spencer clash. Bethea thinks Rooney will do ’something awesome’ whereas Neil believes he will injure himself.

The chart for the first England match in South Africa is spectacularly good. We may not win the entire competition but we will go far. In the past, Germany, with its Neptune on the FA’s ascendant at 24 degrees of Gemini, has ’shattered all our dreams’. But this year, Bethea doesn’t believe that Germany or England nemesis Argentina will win.

Astrological Lodge of London
50 Gloucester Place
Marylebone
W1U 8AE

North

A smurf at Solfest

The dominoes

Wurzel Gummidge

Zoltan read my fortune and said "You will work very hard for very little money"

A little sojourn up north...I went to Solfest, a tiny Cumbrian festival near the sea. Beautiful scenery, heather and salt breezes. The festival wasn't up to much...

I was cooking, and I can report that salads don't sell too well. I should have been making deep fried pizza or Mars bars in batter...

There was less money around than for Secret Garden Party but people were just as creative with their costumes...perhaps more so. Surveying two people dressed up as dominoes, I wondered with 'Wurzel Gummidge' if they knew each other before the festival "If they didn't" he retorted "they are a match made in heaven". 

On my return I made a pilgrimage to Wet Sleddon near Penrith to see Uncle Monty's cottage from Withnail and I, then to Birkenhead, next to Liverpool, for a visit to the "priory"...a much needed rest at the flat of my friend Liverbird. Finally a stop in Manchester where I was given a tour by Kurt Cobain.

Passing Old Trafford football ground, the home of Manchester United, he explained that it was traditional to sit in the terrace which faced your house. This stems from the days when fans were local and walked to the ground. Kurt is a Stretford ender. He is also a founder member of F.C. United, the red rebels, a breakaway club formed in disgust when Americans bought Man U, who regularly have attendances of 2-3,000 supporters and are rising rapidly up the league.

He, like Liverbird, hates Victoria Beckham.(1) If it wasn't for her, he grumbled, Beckham would still be playing for Man U. Personally I like her. She's self-deprecating, honest and funny. She also behaved with dignity during the whole Rebecca Loos episode.

Kurt showed me downtown Manchester,  where we had amazingly cheap and tasty curries (not in Curry Mile, which like Londons' Brick Lane, is full of touristy rip-offs) and Moss side, scene of race riots in the 80's. I also saw quite a few men with the Oasis (most famous sons of Manchester) haircut. 

Manchester, according to Stuart Maconie who wrote 'Pies and Prejudice', is where Communism, Vegetarianism, and Feminism started. It's also, of course, the home of the rave scene. I was shown where the Hacienda used to be...how can they close places like this? Same goes for the closed then rebuilt Cavern club in Liverpool, what municipal stupidity!

My residing memory of Manchester is of everybody singing "Always look on the bright side of life" from The Life of Brian when they lost the bid to hold the 2000 Olympics.

(1) I wonder if Liverbird dislikes her because she is one of the few non-scouse WAGS (read this wikipedia link, it's very funny). She is in fact the WAG queen. I wanted to make a synchro-mystical pilgrimage to Cricket, the uber WAG boutique, in Liverpool but ran out of energy and time. I'm certain though that if one adds up the numerology of the letters in Coleen McCulloghs name, one can come up with some Babylonian New World Order conspiracy theory. 

Look at the prices...

This Manchester traffic warden was cool, she was about to give me a ticket and then relented saying "no problem". Can you imagine that in London?